we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
