Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
