i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
