So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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