I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
