i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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