Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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