dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
