I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
