Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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