I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
