There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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