Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
