Jerry, you need to find god
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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