well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
