we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
