8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
