My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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