oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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