i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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