This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize