So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
