Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am spending my child support on dildos
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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