Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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