why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
