fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
