operation harelip BJ is a go
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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