Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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