Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
