You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
