your thong is hanging out like whoa
Someone shit on the floor
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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