Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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