If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
