Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
