dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize