Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
