booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
