I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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