The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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