You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize