Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
