Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
