he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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