o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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