Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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