I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
