my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
