just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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