1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
