Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
