i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
